My day started off pretty normal. I got up and took a bus to the local train station, and then a local train to the Hauptbahnhof (main train station). Europe is celebrating some religious holiday today and tomorrow, so we have a long weekend. This is pretty much the only long weekend we have to travel while we are in Siebel's Master Brewer program here at Doemens. When I was here in November and December, I couldn't justify the cost of train tickets anywhere. People couldn't understand why I didn't go to Berlin, but a roundtrip train ticket to Berlin is $350. 

It killed me not being able to go to Art Basel last weekend. The biggest art fair in the world is only 3.5 hours away, but again it's just way too expensive. Gas in Germany is about €3.50 a liter which is about $12.50 a gallon, and a train to Basel is $260.

I decided this weekend, I had go SOMEWHERE. A couple of the guys in the class were talking about how great the PIlsner Urqell tour is. I was in Prague in '99, but I didn't tour any breweries, so I figured I'd take the train to Prague and head to Pilsen to check it out. I've been working on creating a recipe for a more traditional Czech pilsner beer the last few years, and I really want to go to the source and check out how they REALLY do it. Plus, Deutsche Bahn is running a special where you get to go to Prague roundtrip for €65 as many times as you want in a month. Obviously a great deal.

One of our professors had been talking about a beer spa he and his wife went to that sounded really cool. You can take beers in huge bathtubs full of beer, and get wrapped up in hot spent grains from the brewery. Definitely a once in a lifetime experience. My mind was made up.

So... I get up this morning, eat a curry chicken baguette at the Hauptbahnhoff, help one of the other guys in my class get his ticket, and go to grab a double espresso. I leisurely drink my espresso and stroll down the train platform. I still have 10-15 minutes before my train is scheduled to leave, so I take my time, cause I'm going to be sitting on the train for the next six hours anyway. I walked all the way to the front of the train and found a couple cars that were nearly empty. 

Instead of throwing my empty coffee cup onto the tracks, I looked up at the clock on the train platform and saw that I still had three minutes, and walked 30 feet to the nearest garbage can to throw it out like a good citizen. On my way back, I heard the conductors whistle blow. Just then all the doors on the train closed. I pushed the electronic button to open the door to my train car, but it wouldn't open, it just flashed red. I walked to the next door and the same thing happened. 

I looked down at the conductor like, "Ok, I get it, you are German and you are in control, can you not be a fucking asshole for two seconds of your life and open the door for me though?!?" I mean, it's not like this is some local train and I have to wait 20 minutes for the next one. This is the ONLY train today that counts for the special rate, and I have a car rental reserved, hotel reservations, and a massage and beer bath booked for the morning in Chodovar.

The conductor is waving to the dude who drives the train to leave, and the train starts to move. I try the third door. It has a handle, and it opens right up. I jump on the train, which is moving like 2 mph, and dude IMMEDIATELY slams on the brakes for the whole train. All the way from the other end of the train, I can hear the conductor running toward me. I honestly didn't think I was doing anything wrong until the train stopped. THEN I got a little nervous. The conductor busts into my train car and starts SCREAMING at my in German, that I'm crazy, over and over. I apologize, and walk into the next car and sit down.

I happen to sit next to a retired couple from Ohio who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and this Asian girl, who is playing songs on her mobile phone and singing along in a super high-pitched voice. I am definitely in for a fun train ride. Just as I get settled and start to relax, the conductor, busts into our compartment, and continues to scream at me in English. Screaming over and over that I am crazy! That I can't do that! That I have to pay a €200 fine. That I am guilty! "You are guilty of this! YOU ARE GUILTY OF THIS!!!" Then she just leaves. The guy from Ohio makes a few jokes about sitting next to an outlaw, and we chat, thinking the whole episode is over. We actually talked about Ai Weiwei a little bit, because the guy's wife was readin The Guardian, and Ai Weiwei was on the cover. The girl continues to sing in Mandarin. BUT as we approach the first stop, the conductor comes back and informs me that the train dude, called the police, and they will be waiting for me at the next station. I need to leave the train because "I am guilty of this!"

I tell the other guys in the class what happened, they are sitting a few cars away, and then I'm escorted off the train. There are five policemen waiting for we when the train stops and the door opens. They immediately start to question me, in German, about what happened, and the conductor jumps in and keeps saying "He is guily! He is guilty!!!" The cops are all calm, and ask if I have €200 for the fine. I did, but I lied. There was no way I was gonna give them $290 unless I absolutely had too. The cop can tell that I'm not a troublemaker, cause I'm all calm and friendly, and says I need to come with him. I ask if I can get the €200 from my friends on the train, if I can just get back on the train and leave. He says no.

At this point, I'm starting to get really freaked out, cause now I'm in for €200 for a fine, and probably another €150 for a new train ticket, and god knows if my rental car and hotel room will still be available. Cause when I booked the hotel room, the woman kept saying, "Room for Saturday?" and I'd say, "No! Thursday and Friday!" Then she'd say, "Ok! Yes! Saturday! Ok! Yes."

So after another five minutes of the angry train lady explaining to them how I knew exactly what I was doing, and that she had called to me to get on the train by her but I refused, and repeating about a hundred fucking times that I was "Guilty of this," she got on the train and left, and they escorted me to the police station.

They sit me down on a bench, take my passport and start questioning me. Keep in mind, this has ALL been in German, so I only like half know what's going on. The main cop is really friendly to me and the rest pretty much go back to what they were doing before they got the call. He asks me a bunch of questions about what happened, and after about ten minutes gets really nice, and says not to worry. I kinda got the idea, that he was thinking, "These uptight assholes from Munich are taking themselves too seriously again, and now I'm stuck with all this bullshit paperwork to do."

He fills out all the paper work, and has me sign it. Then asks if I would like to make a statement to go to the judge. I look at him like, "I have no idea," and he says, "You do. I will help you." So we write this statement, and he kinda helps me say the right things... I think. But again, this is mostly in German, so I'm still not really sure WHAT is going on. 

By the time we get through the paperwork and questions and statements, I've been there almost two hours. One of the other cops prints me off another route to Prague, and says not to worry about the pass, that they'll take it anyway. They print me out copies of all the paperwork, and send me on my way.

I head to the cafe in the train station, cause I have 45 minutes before my next train leaves, and eat three bizarre prepackaged ice creams to celebrate my freedom. Then I start going through the paperwork the police copied for me and realize that they didn't give me a copy of the statement! I sit there for 10 minutes eating a Hello Kitty ice cream bar debating if I should go back. I come to the conclusion that only an idiot wouldn't get a copy of a signed statement that he didn't write.

I walk back to the police station, but they refuse to give me a copy of my statement. The older, rounder cop just hands me his business card while they both smile and keeping saying, "No...no...Can not."

Ten minutes later I jump on the next train headed toward Prague, and things start to get interesting...

my story continues HERE