There are SO many amazing inventions and discoveries that Germans have chosen to ignore. Here is a list.

1) Ice - I found two places that put ice in drinks in Germany. One is the movie theater that shows only American films in English, without subtitles. The other place was Burger King. They have a huge ice bin under their drink dispenser with only a little bit of ice in it, but I had to ask for it. I was drunk enough to eat at Burger King and to ask a German for something.

2) Ice Cube Trays - I found a super dirty, old ice cube tray in my apartment. I had to soak it for three days before I could scrub all the nasty shit off of it, but it was worth it. I can now indulge in a cold drink from time to time.

3) Bathroom Fans - I have NEVER been in a German bathroom that had a fan. Gross.

4) Crutches - All Germans have the exact same crutches. It's like they all go to the same doctor or something. They have reflectors on the handles. It's creepy. I should give them a little credit. The crutches do come in either blue or black.

5) Words: Gesundheight - It's supposedly a German word, but I've never heard a German say it.

6) Words: Excuse Me - Never heard this word either. I could write an HBO miniseries about how sick I am of Germans cutting me off, skipping me in lines, and stopping dead in front of me in high traffic pedestrian areas.

7) Customer Service - Doesn't exist*. Germans aren't usually tipped, so they treat you like shit everywhere you go. *Only a few exceptions: The Apple Store, the two cafes a frequent (where I tip well), and the place where I bought my lederhosen.

8) Compliments - Germans aren't used to getting them, so if you tell a cook he made you an amazing meal, he will just stare at you like, "Yeah, it's my job to make you a good meal. When I was 11 the German government decided I wasn't smart enough to go to college, so they sent me to a trade school where I learned to be a cook."

9) Jaywalking - Germans don't do it. MOST Germans don't do it. It could be the middle of the night and they can see that there are no cars coming, and they will still wait for the walk signal. If you do jaywalk and a cop sees you, you WILL get a ticket.

10) Sarcasm - They don't get sarcasm. I hope no Germans are reading this.

11) Eye Contact - German women will NEVER make eye contact with you. Not on the train... Not on the street... Not ever.

12) Smiling - You won't ever see a German smile either, unless they know you.

Ok. I've complained enough. I sound like a fucking German.